THE KRIS MESS TALES - PART 7
MY TIME WITH DR. ROARK
I had one week until my friends were coming back from the break. I really wanted to give Matt and Corey some alone time, without my interference. I spoke to Colt the day after I moved back into the suites. He and Chase were bonding more and more each day. The little fight they had over Christmas seemed to help their relationship a lot. Scott had been a mystery ever since the wedding and I hadn’t heard one word about or from him. I tried calling but got Trevor who mentioned that Scott had been away for a bit. I asked Trevor and Landon to come visit us the following semester. They said they’d try if they could.
It had been real quiet for two days. I almost fell back in to my routine. I worked out in morning and went to Derek’s for a nice afternoon lunch. Derek and I had grown a lot, it sucked that he was away for most of my first year, but I was still able to communicate with him long distance. I really wanted to make up for the time we lost.
I visited Dr. Roark for our first of what I was sure would be many sessions. It was awkward to begin with. When Nathan died Alison suggested I speak to someone but I was in too much grief to talk with anybody. Now, with feelings about Colt and Melissa, I needed to speak to someone. I walked in to Dr Roark’s office and the first thing he said to me was;
“You must be Kris. How can I help you?”
“I really don’t know where to start. I’m not used to being in this situation.”
“I’m sure your friends listen to you when you need someone to speak too.”
“Not really… I have been called the ringleader of the group so most of the time I don’t speak about my issues too much because it ruins the mood.”
“Why would you say that?”
“Because… honestly… I don’t know what to say.”
Ron got up and put a hand on my shoulder. “Kris, just speak from the heart. That is where the truth lies.”
I looked in to his eyes. They were the same color as Nathan’s. I had a feeling I could trust him, that somehow, on some level, I was talking to Nathan. So I began to talk and told him about my brother and my friendships with Matt, Colt and Corey. I mentioned my concerns over my temper and issues with being bisexual.
Dr. Roark listened to my story without many interruptions except to clarify some details. In trust it felt good to open up like that. The only time I was able to open up like that before was with Nathan. We had three years of great nightly chats. Then I opened up to Matt and recently to Colt. But nothing came close to talks with Nathan.
I finished my story with one simple question. “So Doc… what do you think?”
The clock sounded and our time was up, so he asked me to return Wednesday for his analysis.
“Kris, before you go I just want to say that your thoughts are normal and whatever I may think about them, don’t ever change who you are.”
Now, a day later, all I could think about was how much Dr. Roark looked like Nathan and how much I spoke to him. I know some guys never like venting their frustrations. Some guys don’t even mention their feelings to their girlfriends. I was leaving the suites when Antonio came walking by.
“Hello, Kristopher. I didn’t realize you were still around. I thought you would unpack and go back home for some “home cooking”.
“Actually, I decided to stay here on campus until school starts. I wanted to get started on my classes early.”
“I see… I, for one, am rather bored with accommodations here, but they are slightly better than the old dorms. I don’t really need to put in extra time for studying as I managed to receive a perfect GPA and still had time to enjoy some local girls to see what they were offering.”
“I never thought of you as a ladies man.” Before he could register the meaning behind my words I went off for a walk around the school. I just walked around and entered an old room that had numerous photos and awards on the walls and in cabinets. I recalled Rick mentioning it was the trophy room. I looked at the trophies and photos. It looked like my dad and grandpa managed to win many awards other than the ones Rick showed me 2 years ago. Jason Raymond, Matt’s grandfather managed to win a lot of academic awards, including National Academic Decathlon.
I went to bed in the quiet suite. I woke up the next morning and started for a moment not seeing Matt in the bed next to me.
I was walking to Dr. Roark’s office when I received a call from Matt.
“Let me guess, you and Corey fucked last night?”
“How did you know?”
“We have known each other for almost 6 years. I think can tell by your voice if you had relations.”
“Yeah, it was fucking magical.”
“How are you doing? I’m fine. I met some interesting new characters.”
“I’m not surprised. Am I going to like them?”
“I’ll let you decided for yourself.” I smiled. “I have to go. I’m meeting Derek for Lunch.”
“Okay bro, see you Saturday.”
“Bye, Matt,” I hung up just as I was approaching Dr. Roark’s door.
He let me in his office and offered me some water or a soft drink. I declined. I really was interested in his opinion.
“Well, Kris, I have been thinking about your story and understood some of the concerns you have been having. Let us start with how you feel about girls. When you’re fucking them what do you feel?”
I was caught off guard by his swearing, however, after a moment’s pause, I answered, “I love the feeling. I love everything about girls, their lips, the boobs, their ass, their under regions.”
“I see. Would you agree that fucking a woman feels as good as fucking a guy?”
“Well, that is one reason you’re not gay.”
“But when I fuck Colt it’s completely different. When Colt has his arms around me, I feel safe.”
“Like there was nothing wrong with what you were doing and all that mattered in that moment was the two of you and what you were doing?” Ron finished.
“Think hard. Did you have that feeling with Matt or Corey or even Scott?”
I thought about it. “Yes, I did. With Matt, he’s my best friend. We complete each other. We make each other whole. When we hold each other, the world stops.”
“So it is comparable to Colt?”
“Yes. They are both my best friends. I feel safe with both of them. I trust them both with my life.”
“So you love them equally?”
“But you think you’re in love with Colt?”
“Yes. We made love to each other and I felt more of a connection with him than I did with Matt.”
“The reason for that thought is because Colt and you have more in common than you and Matt. You’re both on the straight side of bisexual. You both love football. You both seem to have similar interests. That being said, when you needed a brother, someone to hold on to, someone to communicate with about your personal life, you normally go to Matt. You opened up to Colt at the beginning of the break and you shared with him information you never told Matt. In essence you are treating Colt with same personal connection you had with Matt and because this is new your thoughts turn to the fact that you could be in love with him.”
I lied down on the coach, “Let me get this straight… when Colt and I became closer over Christmas, and I told him some personal stuff, I thought I was falling in love with him, and you tried to build off rationalizations for that love? I had more of a connection with Colt than I did with Matt or Corey. I had sex more with him than any of the other guys”
“You and Colt are more alike than Corey and Matt.”
“But when we talked about what happened in the tent over the summer and about our relationship, we wanted it to end, because we loved each other.”
“No, you wanted to end because you love each other. You’re not in love with each other.”
“What about my apologizing to Colt, Corey and Matt with blowjobs? How the sex between Colt and I is more intimate than with Matt or Corey?”
“You trust Colt a lot. You have more of an intimate encounter with him because you’re showing how much you trust him. I should point out, Kris, that this is another example of you expressing your feelings though sexual acts.”
“How do you mean?”
“Most people, when they want to apologize and make amends, use words, and/or buy gifts. You make your feelings known through sexual gestures. Instead of telling people you’re sorry or that you love them, you give them a blow job or you have sex with them and want to get them off, to make them feel good. That is another reason why you may be okay with gay sexual acts, because you believe they are acts of love. What you need to remember is you are expressing your feelings, you are not falling in love.”
“So you’re saying that instead of coming out saying ‘I’m sorry’ or ‘I love you’, I become intimate?”
“It’s your way of saying you trust the person. The way you are being with Colt indicates you are trusting him more and more, and you believed you were falling in love with him. When you’re in Colt’s arms what do you feel?”
“That I can let my guard down, that I can be completely exposed and I feel closer with him than I am with Matt, which made me believe I might be in love with him, but I know I am closer to him because we are more alike than Matt and the others.”
“I may not be in love with him now, but I may be in the future.”
“How do you see your future, say in 10 years?”
“I see myself being a dad and living next door to Matt. I have a job a love, and a loving partner.”
“Do you see yourself with guys still?”
“Yes. I see myself possibly fucking Matt or Corey or both?
“But, is it a romantic relationship? In other words how would you describe the person you marry?”
“I see a beautiful, hot woman, with a great butt and gorgeous boobs. I need a woman as a partner that feels good when I am holding her, kissing her and having sex with her”
“You don’t see, Colt?”
I thought about it. I really didn’t know, but I thought on the subconscious level the answer is no. I shook my head.
“You really are helping, doc. I do have one question. How do I control my temper? I told you about how simple things set me off. I physically hurt the people I love. I just thought about it. It’s the people I love the most that I hurt the most. Anyways, I told you about the incident last month in grocery store with watermelon.”
“Yes, when was the first time you lost your temper?”
“That had to be the fight with Matt in high school.”
“You sure? Didn’t you mention that you got in to a fight that led you to meeting Matt? Think hard. When did happen?”
“When I was in junior high some kid called me crybaby and I gave him a black eye.”
“When your brother died, did you get angry? Emotional?”
“Yes, I punched the walls and broke windows. Now that you mention it, which was right around the time I was called a crybaby. FUCK! I beat up Derek the night Nathan died.”
“Listen to me. This will be extremely hard for you to hear. When your brother died, you felt grief, heartache and confusion. You needed to vent so you beat up Derek and left. Since then, you never had an outlet for anger over him leaving you. When you felt upset, hurt, used, angered or anything else, even if it was a small innocent comment, you get mad.”
He was right, but something troubled me. “If you’re speaking the truth, how come the outbursts don’t happen as much now?”
“You found another outlet in your workout program. That obsession is a need to vent. When you don’t work out as much your temper erupts. When you had your fight with Matt in high school you didn’t have an outlet back then. I will take a stab in the dark and say that you started working out when you and Matt stopped talking?”
“Yes that is true. Fuck this makes sense. Had Nathan lived he could have helped me through all that now.”
“Kris, had Nathan lived, you wouldn’t have any reason to get angry in the first place. “
Then clock sounded meaning time is up.