Written by Andy...

I might have been feeling happy with the choice of dumping Jacob at the
time, but that almost three weeks ago. What I miss was the closeness. Kris
and Tanner were great guys and smoking hot. I don’t think either them were
as close as Jacob was to me.

Kris noticed how unhappy I was when I isolated myself from the crew. Kris
came by one Wednesday evening. He opened my bedroom without knocking. By
now I was so used to it. However, some appreciation for privacy would have
been nice seeing that I was in the middle of jacking off.

Seeing this Kris watched, I finished with an amazing moan and opened my
eyes. Kris being Kris, he clapped. I was so embarrassed with cum all over
my skinny body.

“Hey, you are really good at that.”

I shrugged it off. “I try. What’s up?”

Kris sat at my computer while I got dressed. I looked at him to continue.
“Me and Tanner were wondering if you wanted to join us for a midnight
showing of your favorite movie.”

“Rocky Horror?” I smiled, but shock my head.

“Why? You have been in here every day for the last few weeks. You won’t
even return our phone calls, especially mine.”

“I am busy bro. I want to put myself into my studying. If I keep my grades
up I can get a one hell of a great scholarship,”I said but knew it wasn’t
the truth.

Kris nodded in understanding, “Even so, you need to get out and to hang
with people.”

I blurted out what I was feeling, “I need to get laid if you didn’t notice
already by me jacking off.   I can’t help it, bro.  I’m one horny gay

Kris looked at me and smiled so proudly. “So… get off your ass. Go down to
Liberty Avenue and find some guy to fuck the shit out of.”

I had been pondering that many times since the breakup. The sole reason I
didn’t go was if he saw Jacob again. I still remembered the look on his
face when I broke up with him. “I don’t know Kris. For one thing… I am not
some guy who needs action from a complete stranger. I tried that once with
Daniel and that ended horrible. I want the next time and every time I do
it to mean something. The times I made love to Jacob, we felt intimacy…
togetherness. I have never felt that with Daniel.”

Kris thought and thought. I could tell he was coming to a decision. “Why
do you need to get laid?”

“That sex was the one thing I missed about the relationship. I don’t miss
Jacob but the feeling one gets when you bring two beings together.”

“And you can’t get that special bond, that feeling of being loved from us,
from me. I made love with Melissa. I know what that feeling is.”

I don’t understand where Kris was going with this. The only way I could
feel that way is if I had sex with the level of devotion that Jacob gave

“Matthew. I was thinking maybe we could recreate that passion you had with

“What? Do you even know what you are saying?”

“Yes. I am willing to help you out of this funk, out of the feeling of
self pity and isolation by having sex with you.”

I was blown away by this. I dreamed about sleeping with Kris. Out of
anybody in the world I wanted to make love with. Kris has always been the
number one or two spot especially after seeing his maturing body.

“Kris, we can’t for many reasons. First of which: Melissa.”

“Don’t worry about her. This can be a secret between us.”

“This can harm or destroy our friendship.”

“Maybe this would make our friendship stronger. You already know my
secrets and my fears. I know some of your biggest secrets. This would be
sharing everything with each other.”

Kris was making so much sense; however, I knew deep down this not
something Kris would want to do. This is something Kris is doing to make
me feel better about myself.

“Kris. I will be completely honest with you. I love you. You’re my brother
and my best friend. I do sometimes think of us crossing that boundary. If
we ever did that, it should be something we both want to because it is
right thing to do in our lives. Not because I feeling depressed and want
to feel a certain connection.”

“I really do understand; I thought that would be one way I could help

“I love you.” I kissed him on the lips again. I knew that closeness and
caring, although I would always get some from Kris; it would never be same
as someone I am in love with.”

Kris stayed over for awhile as he texted to Melissa. That night I had a
lot to think about. I wanted some distance from Kris so it wouldn’t be
awkward. The next day, I went to Liberty Avenue and walked the streets in
the gayest clothes I had.
Another kid my age was reading To Kill A Mockingbird. Being so unlike
myself I asked him if he was enjoying it.

“I was until I saw your hot stuff.”

I chuckled and we exchanged names and information; this lead to lunch,
where I learned that Josh wants to be a painter. He showed me his numerous
paintings. Most of them were nudes, both female and males in various
positions. I was intrigued by this.

“You really are a fabulous painter. Did you embellish those?” I pointed to
the pair of dicks on these two people who had to be in early 30s.

“Nah.”  He chucked.

Dinner followed that night at a fast food place just off Liberty Avenue. 
We saw each other a couple of nights later when Josh stated his family was
gone.  We began with lots of kissing and petting until he led me to his
bedroom.  There we made love not once but twice before I left.  I just
knew he was the next one.  After that, he had grand ideas of me posing for
a picture.  I wasn’t ashamed of my body but didn’t want my body being on
public display.  Once I denied him, we seemed to pull apart thus ending
our relationship.  Over the next few weeks, I meet a few more guys but had
sex with one.  However, none of them were right for me.

It was Friday night when Tanner had stopped by to see how I was. Through
all my experimenting, I have neglected the entire group. Kris and I still
barely spoke.

“Hey man,” I said.

“I have been wondering where you’ve been keeping yourself.”

“Just been at home mostly. Talking with my mom, studying hard and trying
to recapture what I had with Jacob.” I told him about my encounters with
the young men of Liberty Avenue. Tanner sat on my bed and put his hand on
my shoulder.

“Listen Matt, I know what you are going through. I fell in love with this
girl Renee. After four months of some happy memories, I dumped her.”

I listened to Tanner, I knew about Renee but he never confided the story
with me: I listened to his story.

“It wasn’t working, trying to find that closeness, that feeling
completeness; I did what you were doing, bed jumping. I met a lot of great
girls but nothing came close to the love I shared with Renee.”

I nodded. I had nothing to add. So I let him continue.

“Love is strange. Sometimes you find it, but more often than not it finds
you. I found Kris on curb and before I knew it, he was one of my best

“I can relate… I found him in principal’s office.” Thinking about Kris
made him think about Kris and how he treated him this last month.

“You see. I am pretty sure the next time you fall in love, you will look
at him with your eyes. He will see you and it will be probably at the
worst opportune moment but it will just happen.”

With that in mind we went out to find the boys. I neglected them far too
long. Kris called and told me he wants to talk alone.


Kris was concerned about Matt ever since the breakup with Jacob. He became
so isolated from all of his friends. After Kris suggested they try to
recreate the passion he and Jacob had exploring sex, which he believes
might have helped Matt a lot, he stopped hearing from Matt. He gave him
his space for awhile.

This was so unlike him. Matt came to school and had classes with Kris and
the boys, but Kris realized he wouldn’t stop or interact with us. Kris
cornered him one Friday afternoon. “Hey we are going bowling. Do you want
to come?”

Matt looked at him like he just wanted to get out of there. “No thanks I
got some studying to do?” Before Kris could try to help figure out what to
do, Matt left in his car that Linda got him recently when the money became
available.  Even though it wasn’t new, Matt was very proud of his older
white Accord.

The next night on a date with Melissa, Kris was venting his frustrations
at her.

“I don’t know what has gotten with him. It is like he took four steps back
since I’ve known him. This breakup with Jacob really got to him. Honey,
what do you think?”

Melissa looked up at him. “Are you still talking about Matt? Maybe he
wants to be alone. He wants some privacy.”

“Privacy? From me? We confided in everything.”

Kris looked at Melissa for some show of support. She just continued to
drink her water.

“What? What is wrong?”

Melissa stared into his eyes. “Kris. I think he wants to be left alone. He
knows where you are.”

Kris thought about it. “Fuck that. I think I know him better than that.”

“I thought I knew you better.” Melissa stated. “Kris ever since we got
here you talked on and on about Tanner, Johnny and Kevin. Now for the last
hour you have been discussing Matt’s boyfriend problems. When we started
dating you did these romantic things. You wrote me poems. You sent me
chocolates, and flowers. That was romantic. Now, when you entered high
school and you joined your crew. I became second wheel. An outsider. Not
just to the group but to you.

Kris listened to her. He had never seen this calm and mad at the same

“You are running off to emergencies. Helping Johnny out with bullies;
coming to Matt’s rescue time and time again; do you know how many times
you ditched me? “

She held up her fingers, “For Tanner’s birthday; to help Don through his
parent’s divorce; to try and help Brady with his issues with women. 43
times you cancelled on me.”

Kris hated seeing her like this. “I was just trying to be there for my
friends. Tanner is thinking about going back to Canada. Don’s parents were
getting divorced. Brady was thinking about having sleeping around with
college girls he met online. What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t
help them through those things? Wouldn’t you want to have someone be with
you through some difficult times you may have.”

Melissa shook her head. “Kris you don’t get it. I don’t have many friends.
I had you. You were my knight in shining armor. That night you cancelled
on to be with Matt when he thought Jacob was using him. Do you even know
what I was going through?

“I needed you. I had a really shitty day with my sister and Mom was away
again. You don’t know how hard it so put with sister three older than you
who disabled and needs help with a lot of things.”

“I am sorry Lissa.”

“Here is the worst part of this. If I told you how bad my day was, would
you have still gone to Matt’s house?”

Kris thought about it. The honest answer was not the one Melissa would
want. His friendship with Matt was strong. The pause in his response was
all Melissa needed to here.

“A piece of advice: as long as you believe your friends problems are more
important than being with your girlfriend, then you will be alone.”

She got up from the table and kissed him on the lips, a soft goodbye kiss.
“Goodbye Kris,” she whispered and left him sitting there.

The first instinct was to call Matt. He tried but he got no answer. He
called Kevin and Tanner but they were out on dates. Kris went to Matt’s
house and was going to wait for him.

After about 30 minutes waiting outside and calling his phone, Matt replied
with a text. “KRIS, GIVE ME SOME SPACE.”

Kris did as he was told and left the house. Matt was there for him every
step of the way.  Now he won’t even talk to him. He got into his room and
slammed his bedroom door closed. For the next three weeks Kris and Matt
didn’t speak.

Kris went home every night and drank. To the point of passing out, this
had been too much for him. He lost his brother; he lost his girlfriend and
practically lost his best friend. Don came by to see him one night.

“Kris you don’t look good.”

“Obviously. You don’t know what the fuck I’m going through right now.”

Don sat on his bed. “Do you want to talk about it?”


Kris looked at Don. All he can see his hurt and sorrow. It is hard to lose
people. Don lost a mother and father in harsh divorce. Kris lost so much
more. He humored Don by going out with the boys. After that, Kris went
home and got drunk.  Since then he played it cool with boys and acted like
his normal self but it was just a show that most of them were buying.

It was now the middle of June; Kris was failing. Walt and Jenny were
worried about him. Kris still got himself drunk. He vaguely remembered
Tanner saying something about talking to Matt tonight.

Around 8 o’clock, an almost drunk Kris called Matt and texted to see him
alone.  Kris was in his boxers and his hair was out of whack and he looked
like he hasn’t had a good night sleep for days. Kris didn’t even care that
his dick was there for all to see.

Kris saw Matt enter. “Where the fuck have you been all month?” On the
floor were seven beer cans.

“I was dealing with my pain. Tanner finally got me to realize that Jacob
and I were not meant to be.

“Good for you, asshole. Why couldn’t you talk to me?”

“I needed that space, when you offered to fuck me; it was the most
touching thing you did. I needed to find myself and figure this out. What
happened to you?”

Kris got up and walked to Matt. “You were the closest thing I had to
Nathan! I was dumped by Melissa for the final time. You fuckin’ abandoned
me. You fuckin’ left me. I tried to looking for you. Then I assumed you
found somebody better. I know you went to fucking Liberty Avenue. MATT!!
The day I tried to call you basically told me to fuck off.”

Matt helped Kris down to his bed. “I am sorry bro. I needed to be by
myself. If I only knew you were like this, I was would have came. I would
have been there. You need to know I would never leave you.

Kris almost slapped Matt. “DON’T CALL ME BRO! You fucking asshole. That is
what you did.”

Matt hugged him and kissed him on lips. “Listen to me Kris. I love you!
You are my best friend… sometimes my only friend. You know deep down it is
true. I am not leaving your sight again ever. Until the Kris Stanton I
know and love is back to himself.”

Kris started crying. “Nathan had never said anything like that to me. He
was never there for me when I needed him.” Kris held Matt and brought him
closer to him. Through tears Kris whispered into his friend’s ear. “I love
you bro. I am so sorry I let you down.”

Matt wiped the tears out of Kris’s eyes and said “No I love you. I let you
down more.”  They didn’t move the whole night, they just held each other.

Kris woke up sober and Matt was still holding him. He nudged Matt awake.
“Hey, are you okay.”

“I am better now that you are here.” Kris meant it. Kris couldn’t talk
about Melissa and asked how Matt was doing know. Matt told him about the
guys he slept with and how Tanner told him how to change.

Matt helped Kris get cleaned up and looked presentable. They ate breakfast
together, when Kris said. “I think I need some help.”

Matt hugged him. “I know just who to call.” 

It was the last week of June. The last two weeks went by quickly. I called
Alison that day to help Kris with his drinking. She came over the next day
and three times a week Kris and Alison hung out. I think it is really good
that Kris now has this great girl to talk too. She was one of few who knew
about Nathan.  When I told Tanner and Johnny and Don about Kris’s being
away from the crew for so long, they came, visited him and encouraged him
to get better.

Johnny and Brady even came to his house without payment and offered to
clean up his room. However, they told me the real motive was to clear his
floorboard of all the beer cans and all the alcohol.  While Kris was
having his ‘therapy’ sessions with Alison, it was up to me to lead the
crew on different adventures. First, against my better judgment the gang
went to this amusement park, where they forced me on the worst roller

“Guys this has to end. I pucked four times.” I told them.  “All those
hills, curves, loops and speed got to me.”

“That makes you a man.” Don said. 

He drove me back to my house that night.  “Matt, are you okay?”

I looked at him, confused. “Yeah, I may be sick tonight. I am great. Why?”

Don spoke in comforting tone. “You are normally the one in the crew we
turn to for advice. This last month you were gone most of the time. We all
know why you were gone. Studying and dealing with Jacob.”

I smiled inwardly, “And a few other things… But yeah I am fine.”

“My point is not many of us except Kris asks about your problems or tries
to help you. I felt bad that I never came to you.”

“Don’t be. It was hard thing to go throw. Losing someone you love that way
is hard. I tried to find some body better, but it didn’t work.”

Don pulled into the driveway, but he asked what I did. “Well, I went back
to Liberty Avenue and found Josh and few others. Then I learned it was not
the physical action I needed; it was the emotional connection. Jacob was
wrong for me. I know that.”

“Yeah, well if you ever need to talk about anything. I will be here for
you. Kris is lucky to have a friend like you.”

“Aw, thanks but it really goes both ways.”  Don asked me what happened. I
told him I really didn’t want to get into it was kind of personal. 

“What about you? How is the divorce coming along?” I inquired

“Not that well. Between you and me, Mom is pissed at Dad. Dad hates her
with a passion. I wish I knew what happened between them. Kris came by a
few times and to take my mind off the horrible situation. When Dad came to
get his stuff last weekend, she threw it out the bedroom window.”

I nodded. “I am sure in time it will get better. Time feels all wounds. At
least they are not blaming you.”

“Fuck, Matt they don’t even know I am there anymore.”

I padded his back, and we sat a talked for a few minutes more, and asked
he wanted to stay over. He came in and Mom was there. Being the best
mother in the world, she offered him some cookies and milk while we had a
long talk. I really think Don just needed a motherly figure now.

After Mom went to bed, we went to my bedroom and Don asked to sleep in my
bed. Personally, I felt uncomfortable with that. But I said okay, if I
would need some love if my only two family members hated each other. So we
just go into our boxers and slept.

As June ended, Kris was finally back to normal; he slept over Friday
night. We didn’t talk at all he seemed to be too tired, but I heard him
jerk off at night.  During breakfast Linda cooked her special pancake
surprise. We never knew what was in it.

“I think it is time to have that conversation.”

Kris was listening intently.

“I know you and Jacob had been boyfriends for awhile. But I think it’s
time to have that talk.”

I stared at Mom like she was crazy. It was bad enough she asked Jacob and
I if we were having sex.  Kris on the other hand laughed so hard that he
fell out of the chair he was in. We both gave him a hard stare.

“I just want to make sure you are practicing save sex. AIDS is still an
issue that young gays have to be aware of.”


Kris was biting his tongue.  Mom looked at Kris “You too young man.”

Then she stared back at me. “You don’t know how much I worry. I saw the
movie Philadelphia. If that happened to my son, I would heartbroken.”

Ever since I came out, Mom was trying to understand me better and she
found some old movie with Tom Hanks playing a gay character in it. It
became her favorite movie. It was sad and honest story of guy who had
AIDS. And was fired because he was gay.

“Don’t worry. The next time I have a boy over we will be good little boys.

“I wish I had the courage to have this conversation with when you brought
him over.  I mean he is your first after all.”

Kris looked at me and then at Linda and without thinking. “She doesn’t
know about Daniel.”

“Thanks, Kris.”

Mom stared at me. She didn’t seem mad or anything. “It’s okay Matt. We all
had our first sexual experiences. I just never assumed you would have sex
at such a young age. Did you enjoy the experience?”

We talked for another 30 minutes about my sexual habits and I promised I
would be careful. Kris said he would watch over me. When Kris went to go
get dressed, Mom offered to buy me some condoms. The day dragged on, the
entire crew minus Don went to the karaoke place, where Kris and I sang “I
got You Babe.”

It was 9 o’clock, when I got him and on my bed was box of condoms. Then
the phone rang.


“Matt is that you?”  I dropped the box. Jacob was on the line.

“YES!! What do you want?”

“I just wanted to thank you for being such a great boyfriend. I wish we
could be together again.”

“Nope that ship has sailed.”

“I know. I called to tell you that Mom and I are moving actually. Mom is
going across the state to run this diner in extremely gay community. They
are even calling it Gail’s.”

“That is so good. I am extremely happy for her.”

“We are both so happy. She doesn’t like that we broke up. But she will get
over. She really liked you.”

I was starting to feel uncomfortable. “Well… when you movin?”


“I see… well have a good time. If you ever want to chat, you know where to
find me.” 

“I love you. Bye.” 

“Ummm… Bye.” That was creepy. I hung up wondering if I will ever see Jacob
again. I would probably be when I least expect it. On a whim I got up and
got into the car and drove to Kris’s is place to bug him in person and
tell him about Jacob.  He laughed and made a crude comment, which was
probably so true.   Now Jacob was definitely out of my life.  I did learn
more than he would ever realize.  I learned a lot about myself.


Thanks again to Andy for taking his time to write this mini-series based
on how he sees things before Matt & Kris roomed together in college.   You
can email him at: or comment below as always.  I'm
know he'd love to hear from you.